To Hold On
by ToiletWater
Summary: Every one has some thing they hold onto. Some hold on to the past and continuously look for a new future. Some hold on to a perfect future that will never come. Others hold on to illusions. Oneshot, one-sided Huddy, containing Cuddy's thoughts from 5.10.


Title: To Hold On.

Summary: We all have some thing that we have to hold onto, that compells us to go on. Some hold onto the past, constantly looking for a new experience elsewhere. Ever-searching for some thing that will take the hurt of their past away. Some hold on to the future. To hopes and dreams that they want to live to see. To things that the want to accomplish, and perhaps have always wanted to accomplish. Then, there's a third category. The third category is made up of people who are holding onto nothing, but some how holding on. What ever it is you're holding onto...may destroy you in the end.

A/N: This was written quickly, on a spurr of the moment...if you like it, please review. :)

Disclaimer: I does not own House.

Dr. Lisa Cuddy was some one who didn't like to talk about her past to just about any one. Mostly, this was because she was surrounded by employees...and it could lead to endless complications. Some of them, like Wilson, she actually considered friends...with those few, it was a subject that never got brought up. Who knows why? It wasn't any thing she disclosed.

She was in love with House. No, really. She was in love with him. She knew the feeling, as well as it's distinction from a school girl crush. Or an adult female crush, for that matter. Some times, she wanted to tell him.

What Cuddy held on to was, in all logic, nothing. She could never aspire to the hopes and dreams of finding true love. She was infertile and was unable to birth her own child. But she held on. Perhaps out of compulsion, or the human will to live- to find some thing, any thing to cling to. Any thing that can make it worthwhile.

The problem with holding onto some thing you only think is there is much like those cartoons. This may be too serious a topic to randomly bring in cartoons, but it can be explained. You know how some character will walk off the edge of the cliff and be perfectly fine- until they realize there is no ground beneath them? And then...then they fall. The problem is that it has to be realized at some point. It's a law, some kind of law though it's impossible to say exactly what. It's the same with clinging to an illusion. Hope can often provide the illusion of some thing actually being there to stabilize you, when in actuality it's actually only the hope that it's there that's keeping you up. And then you've been kept up by it so long, you don't know what to do when you realize it was never there. You fall. Some times it's a long, hard, spiraling fall. Some times it's only a short fall until you find some thing else to hold on to. But it's always a fall, and falls are never pleasant. Not everyone makes it through alive.

This has all been said, though for a moment it seems irrelevent.; However, there is a reason why I am saying it. Cuddy had been clinging to her love for him in the hopes that he would return the feelings. But, in actuality, there was nothing there. Nothing there to hold her up. If House was capable of love, he may still be with Stacy. But he wasn't. House was the real tin man. Maybe his heart was the one that was taken to for the walking soda can.

When he kissed her, though, that hope grew stronger than it had ever been. When she realized that maybe he negated every thing she said and did because he liked her and bantering was the closest he could get to a relationship...her hopes illusioned her. Maybe she could change him. Maybe she could be the one he loved.

Sue her, but after that, she started trying.

Took over his office and wouldn't leave him alone. Afterwards, she nearly all out told him that she wanted to take a step deeper but he wouldn't do it. Maybe because he was incapable. Her hopes raged on. But then she realized that he wasn't in love with her.

She stopped, on her way to go ask him out, to see a female with him in his office. Cuddy's face dropped. Just as she was about to make the first move, herself. Just as things were going perfectly, she had to look and realize what an ass he was. At a loss for any thing else to do, she turned and walked away.

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The next morning, he walked into her office. "I need your consent."

"For what?" she asked, glancing at him casually. He obviously didn't notice how upset she was, how she'd cried when she got to her office, how she'd been up all night the night before because she couldn't stop thinking about it. After a while, she'd gone into a rage. Half of her wanted to strangle him for what he did, and for not noticing how much it bothered her. The other half was glad he didn't notice, because talking about it would be awkward.

"I don't need to be put in prison for rape." he responded, then handing the papers to her. Cuddy took it quietly and scanned over it. By the time she reached the end of it, she realized she hadn't been paying attention. She'd been thinking and concentrating more on how angry she was than any thing. Silently she reached for a pen and signed the paper any ways, then handed it back to him.

"Here."

House took it suspiciously. "Interesting." he muttered.

"Go do your job. I gave you consent."

"You wouldn't have consented to this with out fighting about it."

"What, so we can banter back and forth and waste time? I don't have that kind of time today, I have a meeting in 15 minutes and you always win any ways."

He quirked a brow, made an interested grunt, and left. After he was gone, Cuddy placed her heads on either side of her lowered head and massaged her temples, trying to rub away the stress.

_I cannot go to the ocean,_

_I cannot drive the streets at night,_

_I cannot wake up in the morning,_

_With out you on my mind..._

_So you're gone,_

_And I'm haunted,_

_And I bet you're just fine..._

_Did I make it that easy to walk right in_

_And out of my life?_

_Goodbye,_

_My almost lover._

_Goodbye, _

_My hopeless dream._

_I'm trying not to think about you,_

_Can't you just let me be?_

_So long,_

_My luckless romance.._

_My back is turned on you._

_Should've known you'd bring me heartache..._

_Almost lovers always do._


End file.
